Archives

Really?

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

 

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

 

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

 

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

 

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

 

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

 

Dear Yahoo,

I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

Sincerely, Google

 

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

Sincerely, BP

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

 

Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton

 

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

 

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can’t touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

 

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

 

Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

 Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

 

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

 

Dear Rubik’s Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

 

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

 

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can’t. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

 

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

 

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan

 

Dear Romeo,

My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

Sincerely, Juliet

 

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

 

Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

 

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

 

Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely, a stake

 

Dear Prince Charming,

You’ve got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

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