I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…
Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:
- Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
- Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
- The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
- Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
- Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
- A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
- You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
- Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
- Bad places for the Blues:
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
- No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
- Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind (real or rage)
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a trust fund or a 401k
- Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
- If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
d. Slim Fast
- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
- Some Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
d. Fat River Dumpling
- Some Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
- Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
- It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.