101 Ways to Really Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…"

5. If you have a glass eye, […]

Getting into Heaven

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so only the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my […]

Paddy Murphy’s Last Poker Night

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing until Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, "OK, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who […]

Here’s How Things Worked Out For Me

Here’s how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a […]

“Sex” Frogs

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s […]

Twins

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she’d like to do.

She […]

The Big Bang

I was fascinated to find out the other day some new research into the Big Bang. That’s the theory which says about 15 billion years ago, a tremendous explosion happened which created the universe.

Researchers are now saying the Big Bang is actually part of a continuing and endless cycle of explosions and expansions that […]

After the Honeymoon

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how […]

Bob’s Neighbour

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, […]

After Bingo

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to […]