The Bounced Cheque

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the […]

Bob and Betty Hill

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts […]

The Most Functional Of English Words

Well, it’s shit… that’s right, "Shit"!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out- of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get […]

Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy Experience

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .  Then […]

The Colorado Woods

While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly  against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what  the heck are you doing?"

"I’m listening  to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin’ me."

"No, would you […]

In Thailand

In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the centre of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, […]

A Student of Proctology

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.

He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse’s rectum.

Figuring that […]

A Letter of Complaint

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. […]

Personal Ad

Advert found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals Section… WANTED A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious.

Nah seriously, please only read lines 1, 3 and 5

[…]

Show and Tell

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.  The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?  "I brought a Walkman." "And what is it for?" "You can listen to music with it!" "That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?" "I […]