Really?

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

 

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global […]

Your Husband’s Disease

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be […]

Shipwrecked

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.

[…]

Dihydrogen Monoxide

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control […]

The Father and Son Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."

"No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that […]

The Transatlantic Flight

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she […]

Phone Messages

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, […]