The Pervert

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair." The woman replies, "Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?"

101 Ways to Really Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…"

5. If you have a glass eye, […]

Bored?

Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

Push your eyes for interesting light show: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would […]

A Man Watching TV

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "I’d love chicken, thank you."

She replied, "Screw you. You’re having soup.. I was talking to the cat."

[…]

Their Diaries

HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation […]

In the Beginning

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, […]

New Year’s Resolutions you can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste […]

A Grayish-White Powder

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide-screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was ‘a white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.’ (That’s the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, […]

The Daughter’s Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close […]

Laura Lou

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

 

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she […]