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The Chilli Cookoff

Just recently I was honoured to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a Chilli cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this great offer.

I was judge number three. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
JUDGE 3: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chilli #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
JUDGE 3: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chilli #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.

JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
JUDGE 3: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".

Chilli #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or some other mild food; not much of a chilli.
JUDGE 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it’s kind of cute.

Chilli #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
JUDGE 3: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
JUDGE 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chilli #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
JUDGE 3: You could throw a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late! I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chilli #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 3: Momma?

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