The
English Assignment
9/XI/1998
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, this assignment
was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary. First,
the Assignment: English 44A SMU Creative Writing (Prof. Miller).
In-class Assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a form
called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the
first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached.
And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:
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At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into
his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far ... 11 But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anuludrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenceless target for the hostile alien enemies who were determined to destroy
the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuludrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 8S
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.
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Asshole.
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Bitch.
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