The 12 Days of Christmas
20-XII-1999

My Dearest Darling John,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you darling for the lovely thought.

Your ever loving, Agnes.

15th December

My Dearest John,

Today the postman brought two very sweet turtle doves. I am delighted. They are adorable.

All my love forever, Agnes.

16th December

Dearest John,

Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. I insist you are too kind.

Your ever loving, Agnes.

17th December

What can I say. Four calling birds arrived this morning with the postman. Your kindness is too much.

Love Agnes.

18th December

My Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for each finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Your ever loving Agnes.

19th December

Dear John,

When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over my front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I cannot sleep.

Please stop.

Yours fondly, Agnes.

20th December

John,

What is it with you and these sodding birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning. Is it some sort of goddamned joke? The house is full of bird shit and it is not funny anymore.

Stop sending bloody birds.

Yours Agnes.

21st December

OK Buster,

Think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's enough with all these birds and now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night.

Lay off, Agnes.

22nd December

Look craphead, What are you, some kind of a nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and Christ do they play. When they're not playing their sodding pipes they are screwing the maids. The cows are treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to get me evicted.

Get knotted, Agnes.

23rd December

You Rotten Bastard,

Now I have ten ladies dancing. How on earth you can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me. They are blowing the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.

Piss off, Agnes.

24th December

Listen Shithead, What with eleven lords leaping all over the maids and me, I shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are all dead and rotting having been trampled on during the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you tosser.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December

You Stinking Lousy Bastard, Twelve drummers have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a din. Both have begun buggering the lords as well as the cows and Christ knows what has happened to the milk-maids. They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have saved myself from being fucked to death is by hiding up that sodding pear tree which has been so well fertilised by shit that it's grown through the bloody roof.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, Agnes.