Quickies

16-VIII-2004

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar.
   One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
   The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar.
   The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
   says:
   "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
   The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
   "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "It's not unusual."
8. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
   Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
   "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
9. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
   The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive. . ."
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
    "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
    examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
    have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    any.
14. I went to the butchers the other day and I offered to bet him $50.00
    that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
    He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh!