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Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge
29-XII-08
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about
1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah
was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told,
the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the
letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk
and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were
it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the
holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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