The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Vet Students

    First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.’

    As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    ‘Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

    ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.’

    ‘Now, learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

  • Catholic Maths

    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything… tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

    His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally , little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ‘Well, then,’ she asked, ‘Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? ‘WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?’

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

  • Socrates

    In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. 
      
    One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?"

    "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three."

    "Test of Three?"

    "That’s correct," Socrates continued.

    "Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

    "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

    "All right," said Socrates. "So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

    "No, on the contrary…"

    "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?"

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

    Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness.. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

    "No, not really…"

    "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

    This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

    It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

  • Two Kiwi Beggars in Australia

    Bruce and Trevor are 2 Kiwi beggars.

    They beg in different areas of Bondi, Sydney.

    Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

    Trevor brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes,

    Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    Bruce says to Trevor ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?’

    Trevor says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

    Bruce’s sign reads, ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.

    Trevor says ‘No wonder you only get $2 – $3.

    Bruce says… ‘So what does your sign say’?

    Trevor shows Bruce his sign ….

    It reads, ‘I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand.’

  • The Sink Hole

    Two rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge sink hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed by the size of  it.The first hunter says, " Wow, ‘at’s some sink hole, I cain’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is? "The second hunter says" I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says, "There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the sink hole.

    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the sink hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

    While they are standing there looking at each other trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Didn’t happen to see my goat round here, did ya?" The first hunter says " We sure ’nuff did. We was just astandin here a minute ago and yer goat come running out of them bushes over yonder doin’ bout a hunert miles an hour and he jumped headfirst into this here sink hole!"

    The old farmer said, "That ain’t possible. I had him chained to an old transmission."

  • Jessica and the Rabbits

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
    Jessica : Seven Sir
    Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
    Jessica: Seven
    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
    Jessica: Six.
    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
    Jessica: Seven!
    Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?
    Jessica : Because I’ve frickin’ already got one at home.

  • The Church Organist

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

    ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.

    ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

  • Stevie Wonder

    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts – "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

    The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

    Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage – " OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

    "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you…"

  • Two Medical Students

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: "I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

    The other student says: "No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

    The old man said, "I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

    The first student said, "I think it’s Peltry Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought… but you are wrong."

    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

    The old man said, "You thought… but you are wrong."

    So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

    The old man said, "I thought it was GAS… but I was wrong, too!"

  • Their Diaries

    HER DIARY
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
    We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
    He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
    I asked him what was wrong; he said, ‘Nothing.’
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
    He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
    On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
    He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
    I can’t explain his behaviour. I don’t know why but he didn’t say, "I love you, too."
    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
    He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
    He continued to seem distant and absent.
    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
    About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
    To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
    But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
    He fell asleep – I cried.
    I don’t know what to do.
    I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
    My life is a disaster.

    HIS DIARY
    Harley wouldn’t start today… I can’t figure it out, but at least I got laid