A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No".
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in.
A very large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in Clayton, England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?".
The pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give that ballerina a drink!".
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?".
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!".
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it’s none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?".
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!".
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, "How on earth did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your home.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a Beer Scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’.
Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and that sore spot on your head.
An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers the third question after a night out ‘What the hell happened?’
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Remove Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a suitable period, usually aided by further consumption of alcohol.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. This answers another question after a night out ‘What’s that awful taste in my mouth?’
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruises on your shins.
All much clearer now?
This is what we are missing! With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures!
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my ear then whispered, ‘Baaa’ and rejoined the flock.
This book can only be purchased in New Zealand.
What makes flatulence stink?
The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your flatulence will stink.
Foods such as cauliflower and eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. ( Editor : what about turkey? ).
Why are stinky flatulence generally warmer and quieter than regular flatulence?
Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and don’t feel particularly warm.
Another major source of flatulence gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.
How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical flatulence count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your flatulence. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you flatulate, and how much they smell.
How long does it take flatulence gas to travel to someone else’s nose?
Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, and the distance between the flatulence transmitter and the flatulence receiver.
Flatulences also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the flatulence is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the flatulence is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the flatulence may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.
Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between flatulences and the time it starts to smell?
Actually, the flatulence stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter’s nostrils. If flatulence could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.
Is it true that some people never flatulate?
No, not if they’re alive. People even flatulate shortly after death.
Do even movie stars flatulate?
Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of flatulence gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men flatulate more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per flatulation than men do.
Do men’s flatulence smell worse than women’s flatulence?
Based on what I have experienced of women’s flatulence, all I can say is that I hope not..
At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to flatulate?
A gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Why are beans so notorious for making people flatulate?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious flatulence-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, ( editor : TURKEY!!!! ) and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.
What things other than diet can make a person flatulate more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air flatulate more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will flatulate more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low- pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.
Is a flatulation really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a flatulation. Flatulations have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.
Is it harmful to hold in Flatulations?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining flatulence. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in flatulence. Flatulence will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in flatulence too much.
How long would it be possible to not Flatulate?
As I understand it, a captive flatulence can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from flatulating during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do flatulate voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from flatulence as long as you can stay awake!
Do all people flatulate in their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don’t think all people flatulate in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to flatulate when they’re awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.
Where do Flatulations go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the flatulence goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the flatulence is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such flatulence aren’t really lost, just delayed.
How can one cover up a flatulation?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of flatulence. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound… if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the flatulence. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a flatulence. CJT addresses the problem of flatulating loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your rear and it will muffle the flatulence; my friends and I call it the ‘Buff Muff’!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the flatulence as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.
Is it really possible to ignite flatulations?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their flatulence got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don’t have a friend to light your flatulence for you. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.
Why is possible to burn flatulence?
Flatulations burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Flatulations tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.
George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty…"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
Dick, answer this for me.
"Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"
"I’m not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you moron! It’s Tony Blair!"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that’s wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don’t move! I’ll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife."
His funeral services will be held on Monday.
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
And they loved it.