The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Baptist Church

  • Emo Phillips on Christianity

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don’t do it!"

    "Why shouldn’t I?" he said.

    "Well, there’s so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well… are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

    "Christian."

    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?"

    "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

    "Baptist"

    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God!"

    "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

    He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

    I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

  • A Cowboy Walks Into a Bar…

    A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
    So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking… hasn’t affected my brothers though."

  • Jock the Painter

    There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

    And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

    Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

    Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…

    "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"