The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Bar

  • Three Men in a Bar

    There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what’s new in your life?"

    The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there’s someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

    The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

    The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what’s eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

  • The Professional Gambler at the Bar

    A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I’m a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.

    "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100", said the man.

    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you’re on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!".

  • Two Fleas from Saskatchewan

    Two fleas from Saskatchewan had an agreement to meet every winter in Phoenix for a vacation.

    Last year when one flea gets to Phoenix, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, nearly frozen to death!

    The other flea asks him, ‘What happened to you?’

    The first flea says, I rode down here from Tobin Lake,  Saskatchewan in the mustache of a guy on a Kawasaki.

    The other flea responds saying, ‘That’s the worst way to travel .. Try what I do.

    Go to the Pelican Bar at the Tobin lake Resort.

    Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy.

    It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.

    The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

    A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Phoenix, he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly frozen to death.

    The second flea says, ‘Didn’t you try what I told you?’

    ‘Yes,’ says the first flea, ‘I did exactly as you said, I went to the Pelican bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up… I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Kawasaki’

  • A Cowboy Walks Into a Bar…

    A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
    So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking… hasn’t affected my brothers though."

  • An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman on Pubs

    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
    "But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
    "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
    "Ahhh, that’s nothin’" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid – all on the house!"
    The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims. He swears every word is true.
    "Well" asked the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
    "Not myself, personally, no…" said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."

  • Questions by Attorneys

    Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    "Did he kill you?"

    "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    Q: "She had three children, right?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "How many were boys?"

    A: "None."

    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

    A: "I went to Europe, sir."

    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

    A: "By death."

    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

    Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

    A: "Oral."

    Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

    Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • A Guy Walked Into a Bar…

    A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

    "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

    "I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

    The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one’s on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

    The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag’s and get out!’ I told her."

    "What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

    "I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

  • Three Guys in a Bar

    Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why’d you waste that tequila?"
    The Texan said, "Heck, it’s just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."
    Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.
    The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I’m from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."
    The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.
    The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why’d you do that?" 
    The Boulderite replied, "I’m from Colorado. We’ve already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

  • Carmen

    Guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking for a few minutes he asks her name. She replies Carmen, and he says that’s one of his favourite names. He asks if her mother named her and she says that she actually changed her name to Carmen. When he asked why, she replied because she likes cars and men. She then asked his name, to which he replied, "Beerfuck."

  • Would You Like to Dance?

    A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

    The girl says, "I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you."

    The guy says, "I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."