The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Bill Clinton

  • Bill Clinton and the Pope

    Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"

    The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There’s one thing up there I have been looking forward to."

    Bill asks, "What is that?"

    The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."

    Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

  • George Bush in Hell

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    ‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘you’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. ‘I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. such was his fate in Hell.

    ‘No!’ George shouted. ‘I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long’.

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time..

    ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if  all I could do was breaks rocks all day’, commented George.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the  floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

    The Devil smiled and said ‘Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!’

  • When the “F” Word was Acceptable

    Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable —

    10. "What the @#$% was that?"- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

    9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" – Custer, 1877

    8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." – Einstein, 1938

    7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" – Picasso, 1926

    6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" – Pythagoras, 126 BC

    5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" – Michelangelo, 1566

    4. "Where the @#$% are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

    3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my arse!" – Noah, 4314 BC

    2. "Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" – Bill Clinton, 1999

    AND

    1. "Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad." – Osama bin Laden, 2001

  • Suzuki, the Son of a Japanese Businessman

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for young Suzuki; "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?"

    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

    Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."