The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bloke

  • Drunk

    This bloke had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the bloke stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you’ve been out drinking again!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."

  • Stevie Wonder

    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts – "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

    The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

    Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage – " OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

    "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you…"

  • The Car Wreck Victim

    A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

    The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it’s going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch".

    The bloke perks up at this, even though it’s a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. For instance, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

    So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"

    "I have," says the fellow.

    "And has she helped you in making the decision?"

    "She has," says the bloke.

    "And what is it?" asks the doctor.

    The bloke looks up and says "We’re getting a new kitchen"

  • Bob and the Potato

    Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Garge the lifeguard for advice.

    "It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke.

    They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!"

    The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

    Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Bob went back to Garge the lifeguard and asked him, "What’s wrong now?"

    "Lard-Tunderin by!" said Garge, "the potato goes in the front!"

  • Two Mexicans

    There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

    As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

    "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!"

    "You’re right, amigo!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

    His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

    "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out… "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

    "Ees… a…. Ham bush"

  • The Pig

    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

    "I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!"

    "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

    "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

    "But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!"

    "Never mind," says the boss. "There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

    "Okay, boss."

    Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What’s the problem, son?"

    "Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck."

    "What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

    "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

     

  • The Bachelor

    A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys: 

    • one tin of beans 
    • one bag of crisps 
    • one pack of burgers 
    • one tub of ice-cream 
    • one cake 
    • one yoghurt 
    • one pint of milk

    He takes them over to the blonde checkout girl, and she looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The bloke says, "Yes. How did you guess?" 

    The blonde replies: "You’re an ugly bastard."