The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: boss

  • Dave Knows Everyone

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
    At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Working his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Dave?"

  • The Pig

    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

    "I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!"

    "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

    "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

    "But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!"

    "Never mind," says the boss. "There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

    "Okay, boss."

    Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What’s the problem, son?"

    "Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck."

    "What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

    "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."