The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: buddy

  • The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

    10. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

    11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    23. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    24. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    25. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    26. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    We hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

  • Hi There, Good Lookin’

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin’. How’s it going?"
    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front  door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean … It doesn’t matter to me, I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

  • The Skiing Trip

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained. "I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don’t worry," Jack said. "We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

    "Yes, I do." said Bob

    "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."

  • The Midget with the Speech Impediment

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

    "That’s easy, he is a midget with a speech impediment."

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he is looking for a male or a female horse.

    "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

    "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

    "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

    "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf"?

    The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

    "Nithe mouf, can I see her twat"?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • The African Parrot

    A guy walks into a pet store looking for a gift for his wife’s birthday. He looks all over and decides to leave when a voice in the back says, "Hey Buddy-C’mere!" 
    The man walks to the rear of the store and there sits a huge African parrot. About that time the manager walks over. The bird says, "Why don’t you buy me?" 
    The guy asks how much and the manager explains that the parrot had belonged to a University Professor and that he spoke and understood 7 languages. Then told the customer that the parrot was $4000. The guy started to purchase the bird when the manager said, "Uh, there is one thing about this bird that I should tell you. The parrot doesn’t have any legs."
    Laughing, the guy said, "Ok, then how does he stand up on the perch?" 
    The manager lifted the parrots feathers and showed that the parrot wrapped his penis around the perch and balanced. 
    "That’s pretty amazing," said the customer. "I want it anyway." 
    He took it home and gave it to the delighted wife. Six weeks pass. One Sunday afternoon, the guy is sitting on the couch and the parrot says, "Hey Buddy!" The guy walks over to the cage. 
    "Yes?" 
    "There’s something going on here you should know about." 
    "Like what?" 
    "Well," said the parrot, "each day when you go to work, someone different knocks on the door and your wife greets them in her nightgown!" 
    "WHAT?" exclaimed the guy! 
    "Next, the man holds your wife’s hand and brings her over here to the couch-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE-and starts to remove her nightgown!", screams the parrot. 
    "Oh my God-what happens next," shouts the guy! 
    "Well, he rips off her panties and she rips off his shirt-and they really start going at it-RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE!", replies the parrot. 
    "Holy Smokes", yells the guy. "What happens NEXT?" 
    "I DUNNO BUDDY! I FELL OFF THE FREAKING PERCH!"

  • The Business Man and the Cab

    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

  • The Mother in Law

    This guy says to his buddy, "You’ll never believe what happened last night."

    His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

    The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

    She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

    I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.