The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: BUREAUCRATISM

  • Two Cows

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of Euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies,
    cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive…

  • How It Is

    How it is…

    SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.

     

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

     

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

     

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.

     

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

     

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

     

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

     

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

     

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

     

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL

    You have two cows.

    You shred them.

     

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

     

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

     

    A GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

     

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

     

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

     

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

     

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

     

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

     

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

     

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

     

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

    You have two sheep.

    The one on the left looks very attractive.