The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Canada

  • The Indian Actor

    There was once an Indian actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theatre in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line : "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

    Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line: "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You old fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

    The Indian actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I mess up my line?"

    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

  • The Grizzly

    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my boyfriend’s knee cap was all it took… .the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

    It’s one of the best pistols in my collection…

  • The Earthquake in Pakistan

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
    Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
    The country is totally ruined, and the government doesn’t know where to start, with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.
    The USA is sending troops to help.
     
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending supplies.
    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
    The Asians are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
    Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
     
    Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements.

    God Bless Canadian generosity….

  • The Bible According to Children

    The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

    1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

    2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

    3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

    4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

    5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

    6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

    7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

    8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

    9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

    10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

    12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

    13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

    14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

    16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

    17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

    18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

    19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

    20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

    21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

    22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

    23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

    24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

    25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • International Security Alerts

    Done this before, but it’s funny. OK?

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s Get The Bastards". They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
     
    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
     
    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade A Neighbour" and "Lose".
     
    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
     
    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
     
    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
     
    Canada, feeling sleepy and insulated, doesn’t have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security level  from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "We Hope Australia Will Come And Rescue Us".
     
    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She’ll Be Alright, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",  "I Think We’ll Need To Cancel the Barbie This Weekend" and "The Barbie Is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • International Security Levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards." They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ‘just in case’.

    Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

    And in the southern hemisphere …

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
    "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

    So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • The Taxidermist

    A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

    All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from up north.

    The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"

    The guy says, "No, I’m from Frankford Ontario."

    The bartender asks cautiously, "Now whatdya do up in Canada?"

    The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."

    The bartender roars, "A taxidermist? Just what in hell’s name is a taxidermist?! Do you drive a taxi?"

    "No way man, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."

    The bartender grins real wide and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us!"

  • The Flight Attendant

    A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"

    Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"

    She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn’t work for Delta.

    A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

    She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

    Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

    This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fuck do you want?"

    The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".