The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: chest

  • Christmas

    We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
    Really, we had turkey !

    Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
    You get tinsel-itus !

    What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
    Tarzipan !

    Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
    No you can have turkey like everyone else !

    What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
    My pop is bigger than yours !

    Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
    The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

    What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    Claustrophobic.

    What’s a good holiday tip?
    Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

    Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
    Because every buck is dear to him.

    How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
    On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

    What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
    Sandy Claus!

    What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
    Santa caught in a revolving door!

    Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
    Because it "soots" him!

    How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
    Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

    Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
    You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

  • A Crusty Old Marine Sargeant Major

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man".

    "Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action?"

    "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his very serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955," he replied.

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it’s only 2130 now."

  • Big-People Words

    A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
    You need to use ‘Big People’ words, she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
    ‘I went to visit my Nana’.
    No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
    Use ‘Big People’ words!’

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done
    ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.
    She said, ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
    You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.

    She then asked little Alex what he had done?
    ‘I read a book’ he replied.
    That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.
    ‘What book did you read?’
    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, ‘Winnie the SHIT’.

  • Paddy Murphy’s Last Poker Night

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing until Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, "OK, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?"

    They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me"

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

    "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

    "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy’s wife.

    "I’ll go tell him." says Gallagher.

  • Indian Headdresses

    While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

    So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

    Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

    Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

    Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

    The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said "Me Chief, me sleep with em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

    Horrified, Ms. Walters shouted, "You ought to be hung."

    The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung. Big like buffalo and long like snake."

    Ms. Walters retorted, "You don’t have to be hostile."

    The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style…me sleep with em all."

    With tears of frustration in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

    The Chief responded : "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast!!”

  • The Australian Olympic Swim Team

    A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. 

    After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She’s really pleased to have met this guy. 

    At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! 

    After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. 

    The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. 

    "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed – only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

  • The Transatlantic Flight

    In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
    Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can?"
    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
    Then, a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
    The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
    "Iron this."

  • Chinese Torture

    A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

    The man says, "I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

    The old Chinese man says, "I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

    The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning"

    The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

    "OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man sneaks into the girl’s bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest.

    On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

    "What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out.

    On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

    The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.

    Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

  • The Dry Cleaning

    Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself. Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I’m already 2 hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. The ole’ lady is gonna kill me.

    The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

    The first says, "Yeah, why?"

    The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.

    The first guys says, "Great idea! Let’s have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours. Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

    He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!"

    He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

  • The Chilli Cookoff

    Just recently I was honoured to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a Chilli cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this great offer.

    I was judge number three. Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chilli #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

    JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    JUDGE 3: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chilli #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli

    JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    JUDGE 3: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chilli #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.

    JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE 2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    JUDGE 3: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift".

    Chilli #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

    JUDGE 1: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or some other mild food; not much of a chilli.
    JUDGE 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled – it’s kind of cute.

    Chilli #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE 2: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    JUDGE 3: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chilli #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    JUDGE 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chilli #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

    JUDGE 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    JUDGE 3: You could throw a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late! I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chilli #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chilli

    JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE 3: Momma?