The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: China

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • Stevie Wonder

    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts – "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

    The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

    Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage – " OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

    "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you…"

  • The Little Indian Boy

    A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

    His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

    For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

    Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

    It’s very simple and easy to understand.

    Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

  • The New Leader of China

    We take you now to the Oval Office where President Bush is meeting with National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice:

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That’s what I want to know.

    Condi: That’s what I am telling you.

    George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow’s name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The Chinaman!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya asking me for?

    Condi: I’m not asking, I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That’s the man’s name, sir.

    George: That’s who’s name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you or will you not tell me the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

    Condi: That’s correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don’t want Kofi?

    George: No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call.

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

    (Condi picks up the phone) Rice, here.

    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.