The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: CRACK

  • Gennaro and his Boccelli Shoes

    Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.

    Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,

    ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’ Startled, Sophia replies, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?’ Gennaro answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ‘ Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?’ Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?’ He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!’ Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.’ Gennaro gasps,

    ‘Thanka God …. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!’

  • Survival Guide for Taking a Dump

    Memorize these definitions and crapping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE

    Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

     JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

    Definition: When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH

    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the crap hits the water and the crap is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME

    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER

    Definition: A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Crapper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Crapper before entering the bathroom.

    THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (CFN)

    Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVEN

    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR

    Definition: A crapper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH

    Definition: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE

    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.

    WATERMELON

    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET

    Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

    UNCLE TED

    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY

    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before crapping. Walk in, check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    CRACK WHORE

    Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.