The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: date

  • Joe and the Blind Date

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"

  • How Old Are You Mummy?

    A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. 
    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" 
    "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It’s not polite." 
    "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" 
    "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." 
    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" 
    "That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 
    "My Mom won’t tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
    "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." 
    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." 
    The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" 
    "And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
    "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
    "Because you got an F in sex    ."

  • The Perfect Woman

    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

    "Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

  • The Screw

    The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. 

    "Do you like to screw," he says. 

    "Huh" replied the surprised first date. 

    "My daughter she loves to screw and she’s good at it, you and her should go screw," carefully explained the father. 

    Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. 

    After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed "Dammit, Daddy, it’s the TWIST, get it straight!"

  • The Virgin

    There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

    With that bit of advice, the grand-daughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

    The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

    "But, she said, "Grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"