The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Daughter

  • The Daughter’s Vibrator

    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

    The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

    The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

  • A Father’s Rules on Dating his Daughter

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

  • The Family Poem

    Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, 
    I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 
    This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. 
    My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. 
    This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. 
    My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife. 
    To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, 
    I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. 
    My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. 
    And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. 
    For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother 
    To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. 
    Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. 
    And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son. 
    My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. 
    Because, although she is my wife, she’s my grandma too. 
    If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. 
    And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. 
    For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw –
    As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! 

  • The Last Day of Kindergarten

    On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is–it’s some flowers!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is–it’s a box of candy!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

  • The Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." 
    "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." 
    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 
    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. 
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener 
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
    4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 
    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

  • The Perfect Woman

    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

    "Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

  • How Yodelling Began

    Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.

  • First Sex

    Simon pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.

    "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Simon recalled.

    "That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

    "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

    "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

    "Baaaaaaa."

  • The Screw

    The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. 

    "Do you like to screw," he says. 

    "Huh" replied the surprised first date. 

    "My daughter she loves to screw and she’s good at it, you and her should go screw," carefully explained the father. 

    Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. 

    After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed "Dammit, Daddy, it’s the TWIST, get it straight!"

  • Yodelling

    There were two brothers who were national yodelling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer’s daughter at the house.

    The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodelling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signalled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.

    Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn’t out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.

    Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodelled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.

    The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"

    The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.