The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Dear Sir

  • The Bounced Cheque

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    1– To make an appointment to see me.
    2– To query a missing payment.
    3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7– To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8– To return to the main menu to listen to options 1 through 7.
    9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client

  • The Twelve Days of Christmas

    December 14, 1972

    My dearest darling John:

    Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

    My love always, Agnes

    December 15, 1972

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 16, 1972

    Dear John:

    Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 17, 1972

    Dear John:

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes

    December 18, 1972

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 19, 1972

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

    Cordially, Agnes

    December 20, 1972

    John:

    What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

    Sincerely, Agnes

    December 21, 1972

    O.K. Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

    Agnes

    December 22, 1972

    Hey Shithead:

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

    You’ll get yours! Agnes

    December 23, 1972

    You rotten prick:

    Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.

    I’m calling the police on you! Agnes

    December 24, 1972

    Listen Fuckhead:

    What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Agnes

    December 25, 1972

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

  • Acme Costume Company

    A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

    A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate saying "Where be the treasure?" 😉

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which  says:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from  emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he  writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume  Co.

  • The Hollywood Agent

    This good looking, multi-talented man walks into an agent’s office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star. " Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What’s your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER….. the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your great advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke