The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Europe

  • A Bachelor Went to Europe

    A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

    In a day he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died."

    After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

  • The Stowaway

    A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing  herself from the Harbour Bridge .

    She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid  water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the  Bridge crying.

    He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live  for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my  ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to  lose?"

    Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a  lifeboat.

    From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a  piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was  discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain  asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who’s stowed me  away", she explained, "I get food and free passage to  Europe , and he’s screwing me."

    ”He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly  Ferry."

  • Bob and Betty Hill

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I’m sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!… The Hills are alive, with the sound of music !"

  • Yogi Bera at St Louis

    "It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven’t been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.

    "Before I speak, I have something I’d like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I’m not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.

    "As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this:

    "The most important things in life are the things that are least important.

    "I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you’ll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.

    "You’re probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.

    "Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

    "You’ll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can’t do today. Denial isn’t just a river in Europe.

    "Strive for success and remember you won’t get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don’t want to come along, you can’t stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.

    "Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.’

    "Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the one thing you really need to have; if you don’t have it, that’s why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can’t reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt to miss work.

    "Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.

    "Half the lies you hear won’t be true, and half the things you say, you won’t ever say.

    "As parents you’ll want to give your children all the things you didn’t have. But don’t buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.

    "Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that’s not enough, give everything you have left. ‘Winning isn’t everything, but it’s better than rheumatism.’ I think Guy Lombardo said that.

    "Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you.

    "Good luck and Bob’s speed."

    May 19, 2007: St. Louis native Yogi Berra addresses the crowd on hand for the Saint Louis University graduation.

  • Dopey

    The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

    Dopey leads the pack.

    "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

    Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

    The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

    In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

    Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

    The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

    This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

    Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

    The Pope answers, "I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

    "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

    "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

  • Ode to Australians

    WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we’re divided into many States.

    First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it’s liveable". At least that’s what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It’s main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

    And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there’s Canberra. The least said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we’re whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she’ll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

    We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning. And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

    We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    You are, I am, we are, Australian.

  • Questions by Attorneys

    Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    "Did he kill you?"

    "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    Q: "She had three children, right?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "How many were boys?"

    A: "None."

    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

    A: "I went to Europe, sir."

    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

    A: "By death."

    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

    Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

    A: "Oral."

    Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

    Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • The Actual Creation

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It’s a planet", replied God, "and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What’s that one?"

    "Ah" said God, "That’s Australia, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high- achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep shagging, Kiwi’s I’m putting next to them."

  • The Woman and the Sailor

    A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

    He took pity on her and said, "Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

    "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  • Hitler’s General Staff Meeting

    Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

    "Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

    "I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

    "I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

    "Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

    "For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"

    Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."

    Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."