The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: farm

  • Randy the Rooster

    A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

    The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

    WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he’s been on every animal on the farm.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.

    Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

    The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

    Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they’re getting closer." 

     


     

  • Nordakota

    Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be ‘North Dakota’ for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

    Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls… the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

    When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

    Sven reaches under, pulls the teat – and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?"

    Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right, but how did you know?"

    Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

  • The Skiing Trip

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained. "I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don’t worry," Jack said. "We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

    "Yes, I do." said Bob

    "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."

  • The Chicken and the Horse

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together.

    One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

    Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

    Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

    Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.

    Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

    After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

    The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story?

    "When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

  • The Missionary and the Bike

    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

    He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The missionary is pleased with the response.

    They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

    The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, "My bike."

  • …and the Moral of the Story is…

    One day at the end of class little Gunner’s teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell a story; little Suzy raised her hand. 

    "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." 

    Next was little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched." 

    Last was little Gunner. "My uncle Steve was a Marine; the helicopter he was in was shot down over enemy territory. As the only survivor, all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. First he drank the whiskey so the enemy couldn’t enjoy it. Unfortunately, he was quickly surrounded by a 100 soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Gunner and asked if there was any possible moral to his story. "Yes sir", Gunner replied, "Don’t screw with Uncle Steve when he’s been drinking."

  • Give Me a Story with a Moral

    A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories. Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." 

    "And what is the moral to that story?" 

    "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket." 

    "Very good!" said the teacher. Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don’t count your chickens before they are hatched." 

    "That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." 

    "Yes Ma’am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

    "Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" 

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking."

  • The Cow and the Mermaid

    On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?"

  • How Yodelling Began

    Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.

  • The Chicken & the Horse

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z23- series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny beemer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! The friendship between the two animals was cemented – best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit , and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingy" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him out, saving his life. Moral: When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.