The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: George Bush

  • George Bush in Hell

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    ‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘you’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. ‘I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. such was his fate in Hell.

    ‘No!’ George shouted. ‘I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long’.

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time..

    ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if  all I could do was breaks rocks all day’, commented George.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the  floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

    The Devil smiled and said ‘Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!’

  • George Bush and the Queen

    George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of England.

    He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty…"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

    "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

    Dick, answer this for me.

    "Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I’m not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

    Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

    Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

    Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you moron! It’s Tony Blair!"

  • Weapons of Mass Destruction @ Google

    Something a little different…

    1) Go to Google.com. < http://www.google.com>
    2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction," DON’T hit the enter button.
    3) Hit the "I’m feeling lucky" button instead of the normal Google "search" button (this is below the search line)
    4) THE "ERROR MESSAGE" APPEARS. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE CAREFULLY. Make sure you read the whole error message.

    This link may go away, but it used to look like this, in perfect Windows Error format…

    ——————————————————————————–

    These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.

    ——————————————————————————–

    Please try the following:

    Click the Regime change button, or try again later.

    If you are George Bush and typed the country’s name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. (IRAQ).

    To check your weapons inspector settings, click the UN menu, and then click Weapons Inspector Options. On the Security Council tab, click Consensus. The settings should match those provided by your government or NATO.
    If the Security Council has enabled it, The United States of America can examine your country and automatically discover Weapons of Mass Destruction.
    If you would like to use the CIA to try and discover them, click Detect weapons Some countries require 128 thousand troops to liberate them. Click the Panic menu and then click About US foreign policy to determine what regime they will install.
    If you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests, make sure your options are left wide open as long as possible. Click the Tools menu, and then click on League of Nations. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Head in the Sand section and check settings for your exports to Iraq.
    Click the Bomb button if you are Donald Rumsfeld.

    Cannot find weapons or CIA Error
    Iraqi Explorer
    Bush went to Iraq to look for Weapons of Mass Destruction and all he found was this lousy T-shirt.

  • Suzuki, the Son of a Japanese Businessman

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for young Suzuki; "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?"

    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

    Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."