The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: highway

  • Bob and Betty Hill

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I’m sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!… The Hills are alive, with the sound of music !"

  • Clyde and Bessie

    A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

    "Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,?" asked the lawyer.

    Clyde responded, "Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…"

    "I didn’t ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine!?"

    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ‘s answer and said to the lawyer, "I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a HighwayPatrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
    "Now what the hell would you say?"

  • “I Want a Divorce”

    A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

    The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

    The husband speaks again. "I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are."

    Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph. He pushes his luck.

    "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.

    "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

    "And," he says, "I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

    The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn’t there anything you want?" The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice.

    "No, I’ve got everything I need." she says.

    "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

    Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. …..

    "The airbag."

  • Singing the Blues

    I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…

    Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    3. Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
    5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
    6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    7. Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
    9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
    10. Good places for the Blues:
      a. highway
      b. jailhouse
      c. empty bed
      d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    11. Bad places for the Blues:
      a. Nordstrom’s
      b. gallery openings
      c. Ivy League institutions
      d. golf courses
    12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
      a. you’re older than dirt
      b. you’re blind (real or rage)
      c. you shot a man in Memphis
      d. you can’t be satisfied

      "No," if:
      a. you have all your teeth
      b. you were once blind but now can see
      c. the man in Memphis lived
      d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

    14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
    15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
      a. cheap wine
      b. whiskey or bourbon
      c. muddy water
      d. black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      a. Perrier
      b. Chardonnay
      c. Snapple
      d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
    17. Some Blues names for women:
      a. Sadie
      b. Big Mama
      c. Bessie
      d. Fat River Dumpling
    18. Some Blues names for men:
      a. Joe
      b. Willie
      c. Little Willie
      d. Big Willie
    19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    20. It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

  • The Canadian Comfort Station

    I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

    "Hi, how are you doing?"

    Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don’t know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

    "Not bad."

    And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

    Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

    "Well, just like you I’m driving east."

    Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

  • Observations on a Female Driver

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and abused the woman.
    "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
    I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day.
    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
    That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
    Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.
    In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.
    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.
    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
    According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
    Piss one off?
    …I think not.

  • The Sisters of Mercy

    A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 10 MILES."

    Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 5 MILES."

    Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — NEXT RIGHT."

    His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a sombre, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."

    He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.

    The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

    He placed the money in this nun’s tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."