The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Italy

  • International Security Alerts

    Done this before, but it’s funny. OK?

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s Get The Bastards". They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
     
    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
     
    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade A Neighbour" and "Lose".
     
    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
     
    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
     
    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
     
    Canada, feeling sleepy and insulated, doesn’t have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security level  from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "We Hope Australia Will Come And Rescue Us".
     
    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She’ll Be Alright, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",  "I Think We’ll Need To Cancel the Barbie This Weekend" and "The Barbie Is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • International Security Levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards." They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ‘just in case’.

    Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

    And in the southern hemisphere …

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
    "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

    So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • A Husband’s Insight

    At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Luigi replied to the audience, ‘Well, I’v-a-tried to-a treat-a her well, spend-a money on her, but-a da best-a is I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.’

    The Priest immediately commented, ‘Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

    Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…’

    Luigi proudly replied, ‘I’m-a gonna go and-a get her.’

  • The Pope and the Rabbi

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won they would have to leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

    Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

    The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins

    He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

    Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

    "I haven’t a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here."

    "And then what," asked a woman.

    "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

  • Two Catholic Boys

    There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.

    Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

    Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.

    In time the pope did die and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen .
    The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!

    Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

    With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why did you choose Timothy?"

    After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.