The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Japan

  • Microsoft Haiku

    In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku Poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 Syllables – 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They often achieve a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

    Aren’t these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Program aborting.
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you’re seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

    I ate your Web page.
    Forgive me; it was tasty
    And tart on my tongue.

  • The Newlyweds

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…"

    He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…"

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?…

    "LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    and, they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.