A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person to say anything at all during the meal has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to pour rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted….
‘Okay, OKAY!!! I’ll do the fucking dishes!!!
I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…
Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:
"No," if:
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly high.
"I’ll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we’ll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I’ll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?" they agreed, but once he’d left Joe called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he’s going to ask you a question; you should respond "one third x cubed’ no matter what the question is; got that? There’s twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.
Richard returned from the men’s room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "… plus a constant."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"