The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Lady

  • The Lady and the Parrot

    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

    The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

    She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

    "Yes?"

    "You know."

  • The Biker and the Lady

    A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry his entire purchases home. The owner said, "Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

    But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

    The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

  • A Little Old Lady’s Groceries

    A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said

    "I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

    The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

    The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

  • The Deaf Dog

    My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

    He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register the druggist tells her "If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says "If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it on my legs either and if you must know I’m using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

  • A Lady Walks in to a BMW Dealership

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

    As she turns, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, it would be prudent of me not to say. If you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

  • The Little Old Lady

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

  • Vacation at a Nude Beach

    Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy’s!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

  • The Avon Lady

    An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
    Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.
    The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
    "Why, yes, I do," he replied.
    "What does it smell like?"
    "Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

  • The Short Lady

    A VERY short lady goes to her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

    "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

    "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it."

    Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. "Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please you have to help me!"

    "Well, let’s have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

    "Oh, yes, I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am this won’t hurt a bit."

    The short lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma’am, try that."

    She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That’s great, Doc, what did you do?!"

    To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your Wellington boots."

  • The Razor

    A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, & circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip — and there were still 5 shaves left!