The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Las Vegas

  • The Vegas Pro

    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

    Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

    Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

    The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"

    "Yes."

    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."

    Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

    The hooker replies, "$1,500."

    "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"

    The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

  • Muslim Union Cuts Benefits for Martyrs…

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to receive in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
     
    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
     
    The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
     
    Speaking from his luxury suite in Las Vegas, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."
     
    Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, the entire Australian continent, California, and New York stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
     
    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

  • Saul

    Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."


    He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

    "Saul, take a card."

    "What? The dealer has — "

    "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

    "Saul, take another card."

    "What?"

    "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

    "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

    "I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

    "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

    Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

    The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"