The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: LATER

  • The Hollywood Agent

    This good looking, multi-talented man walks into an agent’s office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star. " Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What’s your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER….. the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your great advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

  • Abbott & Costello and the Computer

    Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Yes. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

    COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

    COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue "w" if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great, with what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO; OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1."

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

    ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there’s three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even Part of Office.

    COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What’s bundled to my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (LATER)

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

    ABBOTT: Click on "START" …………………………….

  • Phone Messages

    WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loudly and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

    (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead – this is no ordinary telephone answering device…You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, eh. This is so confusing.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

    Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.