The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: London

  • A Pub in Glasgow

    "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat’s nothin’," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

    “Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

  • President Obama in London

    As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

    They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

    Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

    The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I  am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

    Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

  • Nymphomaniac

    A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport ‘s Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
     
    ‘Hello’, he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .’

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
    ‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular 20 myths about sexuality.’

    ‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

    ‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’
     
    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’
     
    ‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

  • A Very Pretty Young Speech Therapist

    A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said ‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’

    The Englishman piped up. ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.

    ‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next ?’

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.

    ‘That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.

    How about you, Paddy?’ The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ‘London’.

    ‘Brilliant, Paddy’ said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said ‘-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’

  • The Australian Salesman

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said "One!"

    The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    "£ 124,237.64. Pounds"

    The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

    Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

    The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?"

    "No no no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.’"

  • Tips for Management Meetings – Bollocks Bingo

    Do you keep dozing off in meetings and seminars?

    What about those fruitless, boring conference calls?

    Here’s a way to change all that:

    (1) Before your next meeting, briefing, or conference call, prepare a card. – 25cm by 25cm (10" x 10") is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 blocks.

    (2) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

    • synergy
    • strategic fit
    • core competencies
    • best practices
    • bottom line
    • revisit
    • take that off-line
    • 24×7
    • out of the loop
    • benchmark
    • value-added
    • proactive
    • win-win
    • think outside the box
    • fast track
    • results-driven
    • empower (or empowerment)
    • knowledge base
    • Brain Storm
    • touch base
    • mindset
    • client focus(ed)
    • going forward
    • game plan
    • leverage

    (3) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases.

    (4) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "Bollocks!"

    TESTIMONIALS FROM SATISFIED "BOLLOCKS BINGO" PLAYERS:

    "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." – Jack W., London

    "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." – David D., Manchester

    "What a laugh! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." – Bill R., Edinburgh

    "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." – Ben G., Reading

    "The team leader was stunned as eight of us screamed "Bollocks!" in unison, for the third time in two hours." – Kathleen L., Ipswich

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.