The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: MAN

  • The Russian Pretzel

    Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

    When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he’s HUGE. I’m scared."

    The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

    The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

    The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

    The coach said, "C’mon, son. You’re our last chance!"

    The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American’s hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

    "Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them… HARD! You’d be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

  • Milking the Cow

    A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

    ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?’

    Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’

    Man: ‘So what happened that is so horrible?’

    Farmer: ‘Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over’

    Man: ‘That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?’

    Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain. ‘

    Man: ‘So then what happened?’

    Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ‘

    Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?’

    Farmer: ‘I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ‘

    Man: ‘And then what.’

    Farmer: ‘I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’

    Man: ‘Wow, you must have been pretty upset.’

    Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’

    Man: ‘So then what did you do?’

    Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.’

  • A Man and a Woman

    A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over. Her story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???? His story: Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some action though.

  • The Dry Cleaning

    Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself. Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I’m already 2 hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. The ole’ lady is gonna kill me.

    The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

    The first says, "Yeah, why?"

    The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.

    The first guys says, "Great idea! Let’s have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours. Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

    He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!"

    He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

  • Men and Women

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

    Show up naked. Bring Beer.

  • Pickle

    Two guys work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, she had a clitoris like a pickle."

    "What", the other asks, "green?"

    "No", says the first, "sour."