A man, having applied to join the Los Lunas, New Mexico, police force, is being interviewed by the chief.
The Chief says, ‘Your qualifications are first rate but there is one important test that you must pass before I can hire you.’
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues. ‘Take this gun with 13 bullets, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama voters, and a rabbit.’
The man asks, ‘Why the rabbit?’
‘Fantastic attitude!’ says the Chief, ‘When can you start?’
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of info may clarify a lot of things.
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don’t want to do that. You really don’t want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.
"If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy", said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a dick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him."
A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador".
As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the Matador Special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"
"That’s what I’ll have!", says the businessman.
"I’m very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".
Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.
So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "Matador Special" to another customer who was there before him.
"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow’s my last day here."
So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I’ll have the Matador Special!"
"Very well, senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.
"What’s with this!" the now angry man shouts.
"I’m very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fuckin’ state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I’m going to tear his Fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted FUCKING Garfield!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the fucking pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the Fuck!?
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.