The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Middle East

  • Modern Day Moses

    Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

    President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

    The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

    The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

    The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

    The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

    The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

    "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

    The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered," You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

    The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses…but the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

  • The Holy Place

    This from Scott Adams…

    As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

    The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don’t. That’s why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.

    At some point during the summit, probably after a week or so, the scholars would tire of saying to each other, "Nice hat" and asking, "What setting do you use to trim your ratty beard?" Then they’d get down to the business of defining what makes a place holy. Someone would suggest that the key things are the location and the fact that something holy happened there.
     

    Eventually, someone with a second-grade understanding of space, possibly the busboy, would point out that everything in the universe has moved a gazillion miles since the holy event, and the concept of location is meaningless unless all the reference points stay put. The best-case scenario is that the "holy place" is now a billion miles away, floating in empty space.

    After some embarrassed mumbling, the scholars would insist that they knew all along that location wasn’t important. One of them would break the awkwardness by suggesting that a holy place must be defined by the "stuff" that comprises it. That’s good news, because the Middle East is made entirely of dirt. The wise King Solomon probably would have advised people to help themselves to as much holy dirt as they wanted. He might have gone so far as to suggest that people put holy dirt in their socks so they can enjoy walking on it wherever they go. But first he would have invented socks and patented the idea, because in addition to being wise, he had a good head for business.

    Religious scholars should also help the rest of us understand the question of holy depth. Is it just the top layer of soil that’s holy, or does the holiness continue lower into the ground? It’s important because if there’s no bottom limit, then whatever is on the exact opposite side of the earth is also holy, only upside down. The residents would have to stand on their heads to get the full benefit of the holy rays, but it would be worth it.

    Feel free to forward this Holy Place argument to any Induhviduals who need the enlightenment that comes from having their core beliefs mocked. I can’t guarantee that this will stop terrorism, but whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.

    If you want more thought-provoking ideas in the same realm, check out my new book, The Religion War. It’s a sequel to my non-Dilbert book, God’s Debris.
    It’s guaranteed to become a collector’s item after al-Qaeda gets me. And it’s ideal for book clubs and people who like to have their preconceived notions tweaked.

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740747886/dilbertcom-20

  • The New Leader of China

    We take you now to the Oval Office where President Bush is meeting with National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice:

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That’s what I want to know.

    Condi: That’s what I am telling you.

    George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow’s name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The Chinaman!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya asking me for?

    Condi: I’m not asking, I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That’s the man’s name, sir.

    George: That’s who’s name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you or will you not tell me the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

    Condi: That’s correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don’t want Kofi?

    George: No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call.

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

    (Condi picks up the phone) Rice, here.

    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

  • The Actual Creation

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It’s a planet", replied God, "and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What’s that one?"

    "Ah" said God, "That’s Australia, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high- achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep shagging, Kiwi’s I’m putting next to them."

  • One Wish

    A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cut-off jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

    The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fibre of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

    "OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"

    The Genie thinks for a moment and says, "Let me see that map again"