The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: MOM

  • Little Golden Books That Didn’t Make It

    1. You Are Different And That’s Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
    4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    6. All Cats Go To Hell
    7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    8. Some Kittens Can Fly
    9. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up For Adoption
    10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
    11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
    12. You Were an Accident
    13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    14. Pop! Goes the Hamster… And Other Microwave Games
    15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
    16. Your Nightmares Are Real
    17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
    18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    19. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
    20. Why is PMS named PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

  • The Pager

    Lil’ Johnny’s mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil’ Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she’s REALLY FAT."

    The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil’ Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

    After a minute or two, Lil’ Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

    At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

    Again after a couple of minutes Lil’ Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

    Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line and then her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE’S BACKING UP!!!!"

  • The Dishes

    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

  • Once Upon a Time

    Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,

    "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

    That night, as the princess dined on frogs legs in garlic butter, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don’t fucking think so."