- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- PMS jokes aren’t funny; period…
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
- I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Velcro – what a rip off!
Tag: Moses
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Very Punny
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Punographics
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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The Bible According to Children
The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Moses and Jesus were Playing Golf
One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.
Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. "Hmmmm…..
Tiger Woods would use this", he says as he picks up a 5 iron.
"But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"
"Nope. Tiger would use a 5", insisted Jesus.
So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No", explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He *thinks* he’s Tiger Woods."
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Modern Day Moses
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered," You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses…but the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."