The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: MOTHER

  • The Newlyweds

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…"

    He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…"

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?…

    "LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    and, they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

  • The Mother in Law

    This guy says to his buddy, "You’ll never believe what happened last night."

    His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

    The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

    She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

    I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.

  • Carmen

    Guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking for a few minutes he asks her name. She replies Carmen, and he says that’s one of his favourite names. He asks if her mother named her and she says that she actually changed her name to Carmen. When he asked why, she replied because she likes cars and men. She then asked his name, to which he replied, "Beerfuck."