The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: New York

  • Very Punny

    • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
    • When chemists die, they barium.
    • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period…
    • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    • We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
    • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
    • When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
    • Broken pencils are pointless.
    • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    • All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
    • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    • Velcro – what a rip off!

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
    President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

    Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.

  • Punographics

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro — what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

  • Muslim Union Cuts Benefits for Martyrs…

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to receive in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
     
    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
     
    The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
     
    Speaking from his luxury suite in Las Vegas, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."
     
    Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, the entire Australian continent, California, and New York stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
     
    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

  • Nymphomaniac

    A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport ‘s Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
     
    ‘Hello’, he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .’

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
    ‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular 20 myths about sexuality.’

    ‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

    ‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’
     
    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’
     
    ‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

  • The Emergency Landing

    A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane’s engines, he must make an emergency landing.

    The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

    So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

  • Yogi Bera at St Louis

    "It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven’t been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.

    "Before I speak, I have something I’d like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I’m not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.

    "As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this:

    "The most important things in life are the things that are least important.

    "I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you’ll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.

    "You’re probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.

    "Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

    "You’ll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can’t do today. Denial isn’t just a river in Europe.

    "Strive for success and remember you won’t get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don’t want to come along, you can’t stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.

    "Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.’

    "Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the one thing you really need to have; if you don’t have it, that’s why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can’t reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt to miss work.

    "Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.

    "Half the lies you hear won’t be true, and half the things you say, you won’t ever say.

    "As parents you’ll want to give your children all the things you didn’t have. But don’t buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.

    "Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that’s not enough, give everything you have left. ‘Winning isn’t everything, but it’s better than rheumatism.’ I think Guy Lombardo said that.

    "Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you.

    "Good luck and Bob’s speed."

    May 19, 2007: St. Louis native Yogi Berra addresses the crowd on hand for the Saint Louis University graduation.

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney-General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

  • Three Beggars

    Three beggars are begging in New York City. The first one wrote ‘beg’ on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day.

    The second one wrote ‘beg.com’ on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousands of dollars. Someone even wanted to float him on NASDAQ.

    The third one wrote ‘ebeg’ on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting, while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a B2B industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar.

    Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their equipment..

  • The Currency Exchange

    A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man, with an astonished look on his face, stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"