The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: New Zealander

  • A Fine Restaurant

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

    "I’m sorry," says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group. "You can’t come in here without a Thai."

  • The Australian Ventriloquist

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
    New Zealander: "The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?"
    Dog: "Doin’ alright."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Dog: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    New Zealander: look of disbelief
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how’s it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Horse: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How’s he treat you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
    New Zealander: total look of amazement
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    New Zealander: "THE SHEEP’S A LIAR."

  • A New Zealander in Amsterdam

    Dave, a young New Zealand tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

    Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, " No!" and quickly walks away. The Madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking young man has seemingly asked for something so outrageous that two of her prettiest girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that obviously only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

    Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn’t seem likely that at her stage of her career anything would surprise her.

    So the Madam sends her over to the young New Zealand client and watches for the response. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, PAL", smacks him across the face as hard as she can; and then literally runs away! The Madam is by now absolutely intrigued. She has seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management and believes she can remember a bit about what to do. She’s also sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this seemingly innocent looking man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she also sees the chance she can’t pass up to show off to her employees how good she used to be at what they now do under her supervision.

    So she goes over to Dave and says that she’s the best in the house and she, herself, is available. Her girls stop their entertaining and watch with great interest. She sits down with Dave and talks with him, spending the time to really discover more about the man within.. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and eventually she sits in his lap. And then Dave leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in New Zealand dollars?"