The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: nobody

  • The Arab on the Underground

    I don’t normally send this type of scare mongering but I have heard this from a few independent sources!
    ‘Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. An Arab looking man got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
    He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which I noticed contained bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness Sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses".
    I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered. 
    "No Sir", he whispered back, "I went there yesterday evening – the food was shit and the dessert selection extremely limited."’

  • Hitler’s General Staff Meeting

    Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

    "Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

    "I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

    "I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

    "Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

    "For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"

    Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."

    Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."

  • The Dishes

    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

  • The Pig

    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

    "I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!"

    "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

    "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

    "But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!"

    "Never mind," says the boss. "There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

    "Okay, boss."

    Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What’s the problem, son?"

    "Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck."

    "What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

    "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."