The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: OH

  • A Very Successful Attorney

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,  the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,  the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

    "My Rolex !!"

  • One Hundred Year Old Twins

    Twin sisters in St. Luke’s Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    "HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!"

    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?"

  • 3 Brazilian Soldiers Killed

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That’s terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Tell me, just how many are in a "brazillion" anyhow?"

  • Mate Match

    Chicago folks apparently did hear this on the WBBM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

    DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBBM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

    Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

    DJ: Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please.

    Contestant: Brian.

    DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

    Brian: Yes.

    DJ: Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?

    Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

    DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.

    Brian: Sarah.

    DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

    Brian: (laughing) Yes, she’s at work.

    DJ: Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

    Brian: About 8 o’clock this morning.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well…

    DJ: Question #2 – How long did it last?

    Brian: About 10 minutes

    DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.

    Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

    DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

    Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well…

    DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

    Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…

    DJ: Uh huh…

    Brian: …and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: On the kitchen table.

    DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this. 3 minutes of commercials follow)

    DJ: Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we? (touch tones… ringing…) Clerk: Kinkos.

    DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

    DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBBM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

    Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

    DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of MateMatch?

    Sarah: No.

    DJ: Good!

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

    DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

    Sarah: Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

    DJ: What time?

    Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

    DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

    Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

    DJ: Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Where did you have it?

    Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?

    Brian: Just tell him, honey.

    DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

    Sarah: Well, it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

    DJ: Come on Sarah… where did you have it?

    Sarah: In the ass…

    (long pause)

    DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break.