The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: One Sunday

  • The Offering

    One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

    After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

    A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

    Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I’ll take him and him and him!"

  • The African Parrot

    A guy walks into a pet store looking for a gift for his wife’s birthday. He looks all over and decides to leave when a voice in the back says, "Hey Buddy-C’mere!" 
    The man walks to the rear of the store and there sits a huge African parrot. About that time the manager walks over. The bird says, "Why don’t you buy me?" 
    The guy asks how much and the manager explains that the parrot had belonged to a University Professor and that he spoke and understood 7 languages. Then told the customer that the parrot was $4000. The guy started to purchase the bird when the manager said, "Uh, there is one thing about this bird that I should tell you. The parrot doesn’t have any legs."
    Laughing, the guy said, "Ok, then how does he stand up on the perch?" 
    The manager lifted the parrots feathers and showed that the parrot wrapped his penis around the perch and balanced. 
    "That’s pretty amazing," said the customer. "I want it anyway." 
    He took it home and gave it to the delighted wife. Six weeks pass. One Sunday afternoon, the guy is sitting on the couch and the parrot says, "Hey Buddy!" The guy walks over to the cage. 
    "Yes?" 
    "There’s something going on here you should know about." 
    "Like what?" 
    "Well," said the parrot, "each day when you go to work, someone different knocks on the door and your wife greets them in her nightgown!" 
    "WHAT?" exclaimed the guy! 
    "Next, the man holds your wife’s hand and brings her over here to the couch-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE-and starts to remove her nightgown!", screams the parrot. 
    "Oh my God-what happens next," shouts the guy! 
    "Well, he rips off her panties and she rips off his shirt-and they really start going at it-RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE!", replies the parrot. 
    "Holy Smokes", yells the guy. "What happens NEXT?" 
    "I DUNNO BUDDY! I FELL OFF THE FREAKING PERCH!"