The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: OWN

  • Aussie Bush Etiquette

    I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. This may be of especial interest to my many dedicated UK readers, who will no doubt be greatly reassured by the knowledge that we are maintaining social etiquette out here in the colonies…
     
    In General:

    • Never take an open stubby to a job interview…
    • Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    • It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    Eating Out:

    • When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    •  If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    Entertaining at Home:

    • A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    • Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    Personal Hygiene:

    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
    • Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
    • Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

    • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    • Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen..  Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    Weddings:

    • Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
    • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    Driving Etiquette:

    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
    • When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

  • Abbott & Costello and the Computer

    Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Yes. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

    COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

    COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue "w" if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great, with what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO; OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1."

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

    ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there’s three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even Part of Office.

    COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What’s bundled to my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (LATER)

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

    ABBOTT: Click on "START" …………………………….